A miracle is happening right before my eyes and I would be remiss if I didn’t take the time to appreciate it.
When I was six I looked up to the boys that were 12 and wondered what it was like to be that age. I was in awe of their size, maturity and, what I considered, the many freedoms they had that we measly six year olds did not. In my mind they were close to being adults and could do almost whatever they wanted. I couldn’t wait to reach that age and experience all the joys of being 12. The grand age of 12 came along and suddenly the charm wasn’t there. I didn’t ‘feel’ 12. I didn’t see myself in the same light I saw the mighty 12 year olds when I was younger. So my aspirations moved to what I considered the next milestone age, 16. Driving, deep voices, puberty and… dating…I guess. I couldn’t imagine a girl wanting to go on a date with me but I figured it would just happen. It seemed to happen to everyone else, right? Not necessarily. Once again turning 16 was not what I thought it would be. I was not necessarily disappointed; I just had an idea of what it was like to be 16 and once I was there the appeal was gone. Maybe 18 was the magic age, or 21. Or maybe 28 is when you really start to feel like an adult. This pattern continued and would still continue if not for Mason. It’s hard for me to believe that I’m 30 years old but I’ve realized something. The appeal I associate with each age we tag as milestones does not come simply because you turned that age. It comes through the experiences you encounter when you reach that age. The reason I didn’t ‘feel’ 12 or 16 or 18 was because I didn’t stop to look at what that really meant.
It still feels very new to me but I’ve been a father for a year now. I am starting to realize what being a father ‘feels’ like. The fact that I’ve been around 30 years does not entitle me to the same label I put on others of that age. I had in my mind a picture of what 30 was like. When I was younger most 30 year old men I knew were fathers, husbands and established in their career. To some degree, being a father and a husband is what makes me 30, if you know what I mean. I look at age differently now. Our experiences define our age and the number is just a quick reference point of what experiences we may have had and what those to come will be. I say all that to say all this.
As I watch Mason grow I often feel it necessary to step back and try to fathom what is actually taking place. Everything I do will, and does, in some way affect not only Mason’s development on many different levels but also the development of our relationship. Not too long ago, thanks to his Mom’s unwavering dedication, Mason began signing a few words. I am absolutely amazed when he looks me dead in the eye and signs. First, the fact that babies can learn to communicate at such a young age astounds me. But what really strikes me is the look he gives me. It is blatantly obvious that there is a purpose behind his signing. He knows he wants milk and he knows that in order to get it he has to first connect with me through my eyes and then communicate the sign. To the more seasoned parents this may seem trivial or absurd but to me it is a miracle I see everyday.
Because of my new philosophy on age I think I finally broke the cycle. Looking on my experiences and my place in life I really do ‘feel’ 30. Not because I’ve turned 30, or because my waist is now bigger than ever before, but because, in many ways, my life is structured the way I thought the life of a 30 year old would be structured.
I haven’t ‘turned’ 30, I’ve ‘turned’ father, I’ve ‘turned’ husband. The age of 30 is only connected to how long I’ve been around not who I am and the miracles I see in my life everyday.
